I’m trying to feed something that food won’t satisfy.
It would make sense, then, to stop eating. It’s logically sound. Unfortunately, it doesn’t FEEL like the right solution.
This particular struggle started yesterday and has extended itself into today. It started yesterday evening when I got home and helped myself to some fruit snacks, followed by six mini Cadbury eggs.
Ok, no big deal. I had a Lean Pocket for dinner, and finished off the crumbs left in my Baked Ruffles bag. Not much.
Two 1/3 cup scoops of Ben and Jerry’s. Followed by the desire to eat more. So I took bath.
At nine, I realized I should go to bed. If only to avoid eating more. Unfortunately, I had to make brownies. I obviously had to lick the bowl. Can’t waste good brownie batter.
Which brings us to today, almost twenty four hours later. I’ve consumed two brownies, a package of Twix, and a Butterfinger. To say nothing of the nutritious food I’ve eaten.
Over break, I ate reasonably every day that wasn’t a travel day. So why can’t I stop eating today? What the hell am I trying to fill up on, or distract myself from?
I think I’m sad. I stayed at Gabriel’s house for 8 days, and we had a really good time together. I was able to lounge about and play video games on a console I don’t own. But more than that, I had infinite amounts of affection available. If I wanted a shoulder rub or just to cuddle, it was easily accessible. I had unlimited time in which to do whatever I wanted. And there were no tricky, life altering questions I had to answer. Now I’m back to briskly walking between obligations, being wiped at the end of the day, and trying to figure out “what to do next.” Which, as a college senior, is a moderately big deal. Maybe not to the world at large, but to me? Oh yeah.
Chocolate isn’t going to fix that.
So I chomp on a stick of gum like I’m punishing it while avoiding eye contact with the brownies I packed for the meeting, which are casting me seductive looks from the corner. So I talk to myself, usually managing to keep it in my head, but sometimes it slips out in a mumble so that Theresa, who works in the same office a mere 8 feet away, turns back and asks “Did you say something?”
“No. Just muttering to myself,” I reply, before continuing with my self dialogue. You’re sad, Val. You’re sad, and confused, and eating five more brownies will make you feel fatter, and not alleviate those problems at all. Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I don’t WANT five more brownies, does it? I don’t know. Do you? Do you really want to gain more weight? Wasn’t the goal to establish healthy eating habits? I suppose so. But I can start again tomorrow. What was that a few weeks ago about not borrowing against yourself, then? Jesus. Fine. Whatever. What about three brownies? Umm… Sure. If you don’t want dinner.
So that’s where I’m at. What are my alternatives? Write my study abroad statement of purpose so I actually have a decision made. Fill out some scholarships. Do something PRODUCTIVE so that I can stop dwelling on food and all the things I haven’t done, and don’t know if I can do. I need to shake things up a little.
Or maybe I could just keep, ya know, eating myself sick. That’s obviously helpful. Of course, the problem could lie in the type of food I’m eating. After all, were I eating fortune cookies, I would have answers for every cookie I ate.
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