Four days of exercising in a row. Woot, woot. I think that's something worth being proud of.
At work yesterday, I was eating some Swedish Fish. And on the bag, it said "Fat-free." To be perfectly honest, I hate the concept of fat-free. Things that are fat free actually ramp your blood sugar up higher than things with fat. Just throwing that out there. Also, just because it's fat-free doesn't mean it doesn't have calories. So... Let's get over this sans fat thing.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sparkdiet: Day 9
A friend of mine pointed out that if I couldn't get through stage 1, I probably shouldn't move on to stage 2. So I'm trying stage one again.
Goals: Home packed/made lunch 5/7 days this week
Exercise at least ten minutes 5/7 days this week
Write in my blog 5/7 days this week.
So far, so good.
Tonight my roommate and I needed to go get groceries. No big. But she had a flat tire. So we got the spare put on. Ok. The gas light came on, so we stopped at the gas station. Decided to put some oil in her car because it was really, really low. As in, almost none. But we couldn't get the cap off. This gentleman in the car next to us offered to help, so he tried... and he couldn't get the gas cap off either.
Eventually, I called my friend Nathan. He's probably the strongest guy I know. I told him to bring pliers. He showed up, got the oil cap off. We got some gas. Then the donut was almost flat. And Citgo doesn't have an air pump, so we went to a different gas station. I suggested we go to Valle's for groceries, since they are so close. We showed up at 9:09, and V's closes at 9:00.
It was a really long trip, and it culminated in me eating almost an entire pint of ice cream. Which wasn't as satisfying as it should have been. Sad day.
On a different note... I'm really, REALLY sore from the Shred workout yesterday. It's an accurate description. I feel as though someone has indeed taken a cheese grater to my leg muscles and shredded them. I still worked out today, though, which I was pretty proud of.
Until tomorrow, my friends.
Goals: Home packed/made lunch 5/7 days this week
Exercise at least ten minutes 5/7 days this week
Write in my blog 5/7 days this week.
So far, so good.
Tonight my roommate and I needed to go get groceries. No big. But she had a flat tire. So we got the spare put on. Ok. The gas light came on, so we stopped at the gas station. Decided to put some oil in her car because it was really, really low. As in, almost none. But we couldn't get the cap off. This gentleman in the car next to us offered to help, so he tried... and he couldn't get the gas cap off either.
Eventually, I called my friend Nathan. He's probably the strongest guy I know. I told him to bring pliers. He showed up, got the oil cap off. We got some gas. Then the donut was almost flat. And Citgo doesn't have an air pump, so we went to a different gas station. I suggested we go to Valle's for groceries, since they are so close. We showed up at 9:09, and V's closes at 9:00.
It was a really long trip, and it culminated in me eating almost an entire pint of ice cream. Which wasn't as satisfying as it should have been. Sad day.
On a different note... I'm really, REALLY sore from the Shred workout yesterday. It's an accurate description. I feel as though someone has indeed taken a cheese grater to my leg muscles and shredded them. I still worked out today, though, which I was pretty proud of.
Until tomorrow, my friends.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Adventures in Fitness: 30 Day Shred Workout 1
Adventures in Fitness: 30 Day Shred, Workout 1
Can you say dead? Because I can’t. Too out of breath to say anything. Seriously.
I was like “Oh gee, it’s just a work out video, right?” Yeah, except I was pretty sure Jillian Micheals was actually watching me the whole time. I was terrified to stop lest she yell at me from the TV.
It was a really good workout. I’m sweaty, my fingers are shaky, and it only took twenty minutes.
But when you have some woman telling you to keep going so you can have “great abs,” it’s a little off base. I don’t WANT great abs; I don’t care if I have great abs. Maybe if I were like, 150 lbs, I’d be interested in great abs. All I want right now is to lose some weight. Which, if the conditions of my damp clothing are any indication, will be totally doable.
30 Day Shred is no joke though. Five minutes in, I’m panting and shaky, and I still had fifteen to go. Around minute 12 I lost my shirt because I was sweating to death. And I feel like I may never be dehydrated again.
I wish I could say I look forward to doing this workout again… but I don’t. As effective as it is/may be, it wasn’t fun for me at all. I like fun fitness, darn it. I probably WILL do it again, though. I can’t let $9 go to waste.
Can you say dead? Because I can’t. Too out of breath to say anything. Seriously.
I was like “Oh gee, it’s just a work out video, right?” Yeah, except I was pretty sure Jillian Micheals was actually watching me the whole time. I was terrified to stop lest she yell at me from the TV.
It was a really good workout. I’m sweaty, my fingers are shaky, and it only took twenty minutes.
But when you have some woman telling you to keep going so you can have “great abs,” it’s a little off base. I don’t WANT great abs; I don’t care if I have great abs. Maybe if I were like, 150 lbs, I’d be interested in great abs. All I want right now is to lose some weight. Which, if the conditions of my damp clothing are any indication, will be totally doable.
30 Day Shred is no joke though. Five minutes in, I’m panting and shaky, and I still had fifteen to go. Around minute 12 I lost my shirt because I was sweating to death. And I feel like I may never be dehydrated again.
I wish I could say I look forward to doing this workout again… but I don’t. As effective as it is/may be, it wasn’t fun for me at all. I like fun fitness, darn it. I probably WILL do it again, though. I can’t let $9 go to waste.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sparkdiet: Day 7
But Val, when I count on my fingers, the numbers go 4, 5, 6, 7.
I obviously missed a day.
I'm done with my first week of the book version of the Sparkdiet. I should be full of momentum and ready for the next stage. But I don't feel that way at all. Maybe it's because I suck, and I didn't meet my goals this week.
Or maybe it's because I always feel under prepared. I'm going to take a moment to review and re-align my point of view.
I wrote a blog post 5 out of 7 days, and even did two posts on one day. Goal? The book suggested 5/7 days, so... Met.
I packed my lunch most days this week, and the days I stayed at home, ate here. Goal two? Check.
The goal of working out for ten minutes did not get met the majority of the time. I did Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday... and that was it.
The next stage is about getting my nutrients right, in addition to continuing with the goals I should have met this week.
Sunday is a new day. And habits are about continuously doing things, so, I'll keep chugging away at the exercise thing. 2/3 is a decent track score. Passing.
I need to start thinking about a reward for the end of my four weeks, and little rewards for meeting small goals. I think I might create a "prize box" for small goals-- little slips of paper entitling me to a bubble bath, or an hour of TV. Because honestly, I would do well by myself to start using Netflix as a reward instead of a time suck.
Bring on Stage 2. :)
I obviously missed a day.
I'm done with my first week of the book version of the Sparkdiet. I should be full of momentum and ready for the next stage. But I don't feel that way at all. Maybe it's because I suck, and I didn't meet my goals this week.
Or maybe it's because I always feel under prepared. I'm going to take a moment to review and re-align my point of view.
I wrote a blog post 5 out of 7 days, and even did two posts on one day. Goal? The book suggested 5/7 days, so... Met.
I packed my lunch most days this week, and the days I stayed at home, ate here. Goal two? Check.
The goal of working out for ten minutes did not get met the majority of the time. I did Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday... and that was it.
The next stage is about getting my nutrients right, in addition to continuing with the goals I should have met this week.
Sunday is a new day. And habits are about continuously doing things, so, I'll keep chugging away at the exercise thing. 2/3 is a decent track score. Passing.
I need to start thinking about a reward for the end of my four weeks, and little rewards for meeting small goals. I think I might create a "prize box" for small goals-- little slips of paper entitling me to a bubble bath, or an hour of TV. Because honestly, I would do well by myself to start using Netflix as a reward instead of a time suck.
Bring on Stage 2. :)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sparkdiet: Day 5
Day 5, and I still haven't gotten it completely right.
Today, I worked out, and managed to write here (twice, in fact!) but I failed at lunch. To make matters worse, I ate out twice today. Den for lunch, and Aubree's for dinner. In the future, my dear EN302 friends, please don't let me eat a burrito AND a seven layer bar, mmmk? Thanks! Ha ha. But seriously, today was a good day for the most part.
I'm currently talking to my friend Amber. She is great for me to talk to, because she inspires me. In a weird way, because it's not like she gives me a motivational speech or anything. It's just that I know she has high expectations OF me, so I have higher expectations of myself. It's an interesting phenomena.
So. Tomorrow. Ten minute workout. Packed lunch. Blogspot post. Yep yep. It'll happen-- you watch. :)
Today, I worked out, and managed to write here (twice, in fact!) but I failed at lunch. To make matters worse, I ate out twice today. Den for lunch, and Aubree's for dinner. In the future, my dear EN302 friends, please don't let me eat a burrito AND a seven layer bar, mmmk? Thanks! Ha ha. But seriously, today was a good day for the most part.
I'm currently talking to my friend Amber. She is great for me to talk to, because she inspires me. In a weird way, because it's not like she gives me a motivational speech or anything. It's just that I know she has high expectations OF me, so I have higher expectations of myself. It's an interesting phenomena.
So. Tomorrow. Ten minute workout. Packed lunch. Blogspot post. Yep yep. It'll happen-- you watch. :)
Sparkdiet: Day 4
It's really hard to get on here once a day! So I'll write an entry this morning for yesterday, and do another tonight for today.
As I was sitting in Starbucks recently, I overheard two women complaining about their bodies. Neither of them were obese, so I hated them a little bit. And then I realized I don't get to hate people for struggling with the same body issues I struggle with.
The whole experience reminded me that I don't have the same self loathing of my body and looks some of my beautiful friends have, which is really interesting to me. Because-- confession-- I really love some parts of my body. Especially my butt. I don't know if it's because it's just shaped the way I like butts to be shaped, or if I'm susceptible to the praise it's received. But the way it looks in a pair of dark pants? Uh huh. Like. And my hair. Thought it is rebellious when I try to do fancy stuff with it, it's great left down.
Anyways. Enough about me, gushing over my favorite parts. The parts I don't like so much (especially my tummy) I talk to, particularly in the shower. This process helps me remember that there's a lot my tummy does for me, and I need to appreciate it.
What's your favorite body part? What parts do you struggle to love?
As I was sitting in Starbucks recently, I overheard two women complaining about their bodies. Neither of them were obese, so I hated them a little bit. And then I realized I don't get to hate people for struggling with the same body issues I struggle with.
The whole experience reminded me that I don't have the same self loathing of my body and looks some of my beautiful friends have, which is really interesting to me. Because-- confession-- I really love some parts of my body. Especially my butt. I don't know if it's because it's just shaped the way I like butts to be shaped, or if I'm susceptible to the praise it's received. But the way it looks in a pair of dark pants? Uh huh. Like. And my hair. Thought it is rebellious when I try to do fancy stuff with it, it's great left down.
Anyways. Enough about me, gushing over my favorite parts. The parts I don't like so much (especially my tummy) I talk to, particularly in the shower. This process helps me remember that there's a lot my tummy does for me, and I need to appreciate it.
What's your favorite body part? What parts do you struggle to love?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
SparkDiet: Day 3
In lieu of working out today, I baked. Which may sound counter intuitive, but I stayed standing for a large portion of about 3 hours. I came home tired and ready to fall into bed. Only the memory that I had to write in my blog pulled me from the comfort of my blankets.
I had a home made lunch today. Tuna salad on whole wheat bread. I tried something new, which is to say my tuna salad was different than normal. I used one Laughing Cow Light wedge, one tablespoon of mayo, 3 oz. of tuna, and a chopped up pickle spear. The Laughing Cow was the new part. It actually tasted quite good, but still different than normal.
I promise I will work out tomorrow morning. Before anything else. That way, I'll be done with it early on and I won't have to worry about it for the rest of the day. Uggggh. :)
I'm going to go collapse into my bed now.
P.S. All the baking was for a bake sale. If you have any interest in coconut macaroons, cookie dough topped brownies, pudding pies, homemade apple pies, or muffins... You should totally stop by Cohodas tomorrow between 9-3. :)
I had a home made lunch today. Tuna salad on whole wheat bread. I tried something new, which is to say my tuna salad was different than normal. I used one Laughing Cow Light wedge, one tablespoon of mayo, 3 oz. of tuna, and a chopped up pickle spear. The Laughing Cow was the new part. It actually tasted quite good, but still different than normal.
I promise I will work out tomorrow morning. Before anything else. That way, I'll be done with it early on and I won't have to worry about it for the rest of the day. Uggggh. :)
I'm going to go collapse into my bed now.
P.S. All the baking was for a bake sale. If you have any interest in coconut macaroons, cookie dough topped brownies, pudding pies, homemade apple pies, or muffins... You should totally stop by Cohodas tomorrow between 9-3. :)
Monday, March 22, 2010
SparkDiet: Day 2
Sparkpeople: Day 2
Took my walk yesterday. I made a little mapped route in a loop around my apartment. Comes up to 1.11 miles. I figured it would take me thirty minutes to walk, but it turned out it only took 20. That was pretty exciting. I was all puffing and stuff by the time I got done though. Blah.
Ten minute workout didn’t happen today. :( I totally forgot until it was too late. I did, however, pack a homemade lunch and I’m now posting on my “journal.” My calories and fat were high, but I had Starbucks at lunch and McDonalds for dinner…. What can you expect? It was delicious though.
I went to Walmart today, and while I was there, I picked up a new exercise DVD. What I’m thinking is this—I’ve got a few different exercise DVD’s, and the PEIF offers a variety of fitness courses. Why not try a different type of workout every week? Should be kind of interesting, right? I can document what works best for me, and what doesn’t.
One thing that I know is awesome at the PEIF is the Yoga + Pilates Flow. I am pretty sure I’m in love with Heidi, the woman who teaches it. She makes me feel things I’ve never felt before.
Ha ha. But seriously. I always feel SO good when I leave there. I’ve only gone twice, but I’m definitely hooked. My back always feels great, and I’m so relaxed afterward. It’s a little rough on the wrists at times, though.
Day 2 down. I can do eet.
Took my walk yesterday. I made a little mapped route in a loop around my apartment. Comes up to 1.11 miles. I figured it would take me thirty minutes to walk, but it turned out it only took 20. That was pretty exciting. I was all puffing and stuff by the time I got done though. Blah.
Ten minute workout didn’t happen today. :( I totally forgot until it was too late. I did, however, pack a homemade lunch and I’m now posting on my “journal.” My calories and fat were high, but I had Starbucks at lunch and McDonalds for dinner…. What can you expect? It was delicious though.
I went to Walmart today, and while I was there, I picked up a new exercise DVD. What I’m thinking is this—I’ve got a few different exercise DVD’s, and the PEIF offers a variety of fitness courses. Why not try a different type of workout every week? Should be kind of interesting, right? I can document what works best for me, and what doesn’t.
One thing that I know is awesome at the PEIF is the Yoga + Pilates Flow. I am pretty sure I’m in love with Heidi, the woman who teaches it. She makes me feel things I’ve never felt before.
Ha ha. But seriously. I always feel SO good when I leave there. I’ve only gone twice, but I’m definitely hooked. My back always feels great, and I’m so relaxed afterward. It’s a little rough on the wrists at times, though.
Day 2 down. I can do eet.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
SparkDiet: Day 1
I’m starting the four week Sparkpeople diet. In the first week, I have to make and meet three small goals.
Could you write one page in a journal every day, eat a lunch either at home or packed from home, and exercise ten minutes every day?
I sure hope I can. Those are my goals for the next seven days. I figure this counts as a journal, so that way, I can incorporate schoolwork AND a healthy lifestyle together. Look it that.
So, Day 1 of 28. The weather is warm-ish again, so I think I’ll take my exercise in the form of a walk outside. And now, motivation.
I’m waiting for it to magically appear, you see. I’ve spent the last hour and a half playing the Sims 3, waiting to be struck by the sudden urge to be productive, work out, clean, do my homework, and go for that walk I planned. It hasn’t happened yet. I think I may have to move before motivation strikes me, or I could possibly be here all damn day. Actually, if I continue to wait for motivation, I may be here until ... I'm dead. That would be unfortunate.
Supposedly, if I do those three things every day for a week, I’ll have built up motivation and it won’t be so difficult to keep moving. The quote they used “A body at motion tends to stay at motion” also has a second part to it—“A body at rest tends to stay at rest.” And this body wants to play Sims 3 on my new laptop some more. I don’t really want to do anything else today. Then again, I didn’t want to do anything else yesterday, either.
And can you really BUILD motivation? I'll let you know at the end of this week...
Ok. So, rallying self. This walk will be great. There will be sunshine and vitamin D and I’ll like it when I’m done. Right? Right…
And go!
Could you write one page in a journal every day, eat a lunch either at home or packed from home, and exercise ten minutes every day?
I sure hope I can. Those are my goals for the next seven days. I figure this counts as a journal, so that way, I can incorporate schoolwork AND a healthy lifestyle together. Look it that.
So, Day 1 of 28. The weather is warm-ish again, so I think I’ll take my exercise in the form of a walk outside. And now, motivation.
I’m waiting for it to magically appear, you see. I’ve spent the last hour and a half playing the Sims 3, waiting to be struck by the sudden urge to be productive, work out, clean, do my homework, and go for that walk I planned. It hasn’t happened yet. I think I may have to move before motivation strikes me, or I could possibly be here all damn day. Actually, if I continue to wait for motivation, I may be here until ... I'm dead. That would be unfortunate.
Supposedly, if I do those three things every day for a week, I’ll have built up motivation and it won’t be so difficult to keep moving. The quote they used “A body at motion tends to stay at motion” also has a second part to it—“A body at rest tends to stay at rest.” And this body wants to play Sims 3 on my new laptop some more. I don’t really want to do anything else today. Then again, I didn’t want to do anything else yesterday, either.
And can you really BUILD motivation? I'll let you know at the end of this week...
Ok. So, rallying self. This walk will be great. There will be sunshine and vitamin D and I’ll like it when I’m done. Right? Right…
And go!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Rolled Oats
Instant oatmeal is quick and easy. Open packet, dump into bowl. Add water or milk, throw in the microwave for a bit. Good stuff.
Not-instant oatmeal is a pain in the ass.
The recipe was simple. Prepare plain oats, top with peanut butter and sliced strawberries. It was nutritionally sound and sounded delicious. When I pulled the Quaker Oats out of my cupboard, I noticed they weren’t instant. I was slightly disappointed, but after reading the back and learning that the oats only needed to be cooked for 2-3 minutes, I was ok. After all, that would give me time to put on clothes while my breakfast cooked.
I felt like one cup of milk to half a cup of oats was a little excessive, but I figured the folks at Quaker knew better than I did. I dumped everything into a bowl, stirred it with my finger, and put it in the microwave. Since my microwave is a beast, I only put it in for 1 minute, 45 seconds. When the lovely beep-beep-beeping pulled me from my room, I was unhappy to discover half cooked oats and milk all over the microwave. The two had cooked just enough to make the mixture sort of jelly—like congealed milk. Mmm. Yeah, that’s appealing.
This was a setback. But I’m a determined type, so I figured I’d give it another go. A few days later, I tried on the stove top. I boiled my water and put the oats in, and stepped away for a couple of minutes.
When I came back, I found the same thing that had happened in the microwave had happened on the stove top. I was slightly less than impressed. I wiped it up, and pondered what I could do differently. To maybe AVOID half cooked oats and gelatinous liquid spilling everywhere.
It turns out I CAN cook oats in the microwave or on the stovetop, but it actually takes somewhere between 5-10 minutes. If I do it in the microwave, I have to cook it, but I need to sit in front of the microwave. It will boil up, and I have to stop the microwave, stir it, and put it back in. Every 12 seconds, about. On the stovetop, I need to stir constantly.
Is it worth it? I wasn’t sure, until this morning. The peanut butter and the strawberries in oatmeal is delicious. So… I’m going with yeah, totally worth it.
I can’t WAIT to use up all my regular oats and get instant oats, though.
Not-instant oatmeal is a pain in the ass.
The recipe was simple. Prepare plain oats, top with peanut butter and sliced strawberries. It was nutritionally sound and sounded delicious. When I pulled the Quaker Oats out of my cupboard, I noticed they weren’t instant. I was slightly disappointed, but after reading the back and learning that the oats only needed to be cooked for 2-3 minutes, I was ok. After all, that would give me time to put on clothes while my breakfast cooked.
I felt like one cup of milk to half a cup of oats was a little excessive, but I figured the folks at Quaker knew better than I did. I dumped everything into a bowl, stirred it with my finger, and put it in the microwave. Since my microwave is a beast, I only put it in for 1 minute, 45 seconds. When the lovely beep-beep-beeping pulled me from my room, I was unhappy to discover half cooked oats and milk all over the microwave. The two had cooked just enough to make the mixture sort of jelly—like congealed milk. Mmm. Yeah, that’s appealing.
This was a setback. But I’m a determined type, so I figured I’d give it another go. A few days later, I tried on the stove top. I boiled my water and put the oats in, and stepped away for a couple of minutes.
When I came back, I found the same thing that had happened in the microwave had happened on the stove top. I was slightly less than impressed. I wiped it up, and pondered what I could do differently. To maybe AVOID half cooked oats and gelatinous liquid spilling everywhere.
It turns out I CAN cook oats in the microwave or on the stovetop, but it actually takes somewhere between 5-10 minutes. If I do it in the microwave, I have to cook it, but I need to sit in front of the microwave. It will boil up, and I have to stop the microwave, stir it, and put it back in. Every 12 seconds, about. On the stovetop, I need to stir constantly.
Is it worth it? I wasn’t sure, until this morning. The peanut butter and the strawberries in oatmeal is delicious. So… I’m going with yeah, totally worth it.
I can’t WAIT to use up all my regular oats and get instant oats, though.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Chocolate Does Not Equal Love
I’m trying to feed something that food won’t satisfy.
It would make sense, then, to stop eating. It’s logically sound. Unfortunately, it doesn’t FEEL like the right solution.
This particular struggle started yesterday and has extended itself into today. It started yesterday evening when I got home and helped myself to some fruit snacks, followed by six mini Cadbury eggs.
Ok, no big deal. I had a Lean Pocket for dinner, and finished off the crumbs left in my Baked Ruffles bag. Not much.
Two 1/3 cup scoops of Ben and Jerry’s. Followed by the desire to eat more. So I took bath.
At nine, I realized I should go to bed. If only to avoid eating more. Unfortunately, I had to make brownies. I obviously had to lick the bowl. Can’t waste good brownie batter.
Which brings us to today, almost twenty four hours later. I’ve consumed two brownies, a package of Twix, and a Butterfinger. To say nothing of the nutritious food I’ve eaten.
Over break, I ate reasonably every day that wasn’t a travel day. So why can’t I stop eating today? What the hell am I trying to fill up on, or distract myself from?
I think I’m sad. I stayed at Gabriel’s house for 8 days, and we had a really good time together. I was able to lounge about and play video games on a console I don’t own. But more than that, I had infinite amounts of affection available. If I wanted a shoulder rub or just to cuddle, it was easily accessible. I had unlimited time in which to do whatever I wanted. And there were no tricky, life altering questions I had to answer. Now I’m back to briskly walking between obligations, being wiped at the end of the day, and trying to figure out “what to do next.” Which, as a college senior, is a moderately big deal. Maybe not to the world at large, but to me? Oh yeah.
Chocolate isn’t going to fix that.
So I chomp on a stick of gum like I’m punishing it while avoiding eye contact with the brownies I packed for the meeting, which are casting me seductive looks from the corner. So I talk to myself, usually managing to keep it in my head, but sometimes it slips out in a mumble so that Theresa, who works in the same office a mere 8 feet away, turns back and asks “Did you say something?”
“No. Just muttering to myself,” I reply, before continuing with my self dialogue. You’re sad, Val. You’re sad, and confused, and eating five more brownies will make you feel fatter, and not alleviate those problems at all. Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I don’t WANT five more brownies, does it? I don’t know. Do you? Do you really want to gain more weight? Wasn’t the goal to establish healthy eating habits? I suppose so. But I can start again tomorrow. What was that a few weeks ago about not borrowing against yourself, then? Jesus. Fine. Whatever. What about three brownies? Umm… Sure. If you don’t want dinner.
So that’s where I’m at. What are my alternatives? Write my study abroad statement of purpose so I actually have a decision made. Fill out some scholarships. Do something PRODUCTIVE so that I can stop dwelling on food and all the things I haven’t done, and don’t know if I can do. I need to shake things up a little.
Or maybe I could just keep, ya know, eating myself sick. That’s obviously helpful. Of course, the problem could lie in the type of food I’m eating. After all, were I eating fortune cookies, I would have answers for every cookie I ate.
It would make sense, then, to stop eating. It’s logically sound. Unfortunately, it doesn’t FEEL like the right solution.
This particular struggle started yesterday and has extended itself into today. It started yesterday evening when I got home and helped myself to some fruit snacks, followed by six mini Cadbury eggs.
Ok, no big deal. I had a Lean Pocket for dinner, and finished off the crumbs left in my Baked Ruffles bag. Not much.
Two 1/3 cup scoops of Ben and Jerry’s. Followed by the desire to eat more. So I took bath.
At nine, I realized I should go to bed. If only to avoid eating more. Unfortunately, I had to make brownies. I obviously had to lick the bowl. Can’t waste good brownie batter.
Which brings us to today, almost twenty four hours later. I’ve consumed two brownies, a package of Twix, and a Butterfinger. To say nothing of the nutritious food I’ve eaten.
Over break, I ate reasonably every day that wasn’t a travel day. So why can’t I stop eating today? What the hell am I trying to fill up on, or distract myself from?
I think I’m sad. I stayed at Gabriel’s house for 8 days, and we had a really good time together. I was able to lounge about and play video games on a console I don’t own. But more than that, I had infinite amounts of affection available. If I wanted a shoulder rub or just to cuddle, it was easily accessible. I had unlimited time in which to do whatever I wanted. And there were no tricky, life altering questions I had to answer. Now I’m back to briskly walking between obligations, being wiped at the end of the day, and trying to figure out “what to do next.” Which, as a college senior, is a moderately big deal. Maybe not to the world at large, but to me? Oh yeah.
Chocolate isn’t going to fix that.
So I chomp on a stick of gum like I’m punishing it while avoiding eye contact with the brownies I packed for the meeting, which are casting me seductive looks from the corner. So I talk to myself, usually managing to keep it in my head, but sometimes it slips out in a mumble so that Theresa, who works in the same office a mere 8 feet away, turns back and asks “Did you say something?”
“No. Just muttering to myself,” I reply, before continuing with my self dialogue. You’re sad, Val. You’re sad, and confused, and eating five more brownies will make you feel fatter, and not alleviate those problems at all. Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I don’t WANT five more brownies, does it? I don’t know. Do you? Do you really want to gain more weight? Wasn’t the goal to establish healthy eating habits? I suppose so. But I can start again tomorrow. What was that a few weeks ago about not borrowing against yourself, then? Jesus. Fine. Whatever. What about three brownies? Umm… Sure. If you don’t want dinner.
So that’s where I’m at. What are my alternatives? Write my study abroad statement of purpose so I actually have a decision made. Fill out some scholarships. Do something PRODUCTIVE so that I can stop dwelling on food and all the things I haven’t done, and don’t know if I can do. I need to shake things up a little.
Or maybe I could just keep, ya know, eating myself sick. That’s obviously helpful. Of course, the problem could lie in the type of food I’m eating. After all, were I eating fortune cookies, I would have answers for every cookie I ate.
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