Sparkdiet: Day 12

Yo, yo, uh.

I just felt like rapping a little bit. It happens now and again. :)

Today was fairly good. I went to Jazz Dance-- that was a workout. After class, I mentioned to the teacher that I wasn't sure if I should be in the front line for the performance. She said she might move me to the back, but I had to be in the center.

"Why?"

"Well... You have a big, powerful body, and if you were on an end, it would seem unbalanced."

I sort of see where she's coming from. But I was upset-- not so much because of this, but I think because of the other things that I've been unable to do because of my "big, powerful body."

In high school, I tried out for the role of a Jester in a high school dinner we were putting on. She cast a slender person, and at first, I thought "Ok, it's cool. She just outperformed me."

Later, the choir teacher said "I should have cast you. It was just that I already had the costume."

Cute. So, the jester kept messing up her lines through out the whole thing, but whatever. It's all good, right?

It's these type of experiences that make it so damn difficult for me to audition for things, or perform. I try to tell myself daily that it doesn't matter; if I act like my weight doesn't matter, everybody else will act the same. It's true, and not true. Like I've said before, yeah, I'm attractive. I'm able to talk to people, but if it gets to any sort of auditioning stage? Nuh uh. I like improv because it's more like hanging out in front of an audience; I don't feel judged.

I'm not sure where you go with this sort of thing. Do I keep struggling? Giving up is clearly not an option, but it's like I'm on a treadmill. Making the motions to get absolutely nowhere, with no fun along the way. I far prefer hikes, dancing, and swimming. So maybe I just need to think outside of the box.

And... day 5 of at least 10 minutes of exercise down.