As you read my blog, you may be wondering “If she hates counting calories and eating vegetables and acquiring calluses on her butt, WHY is she doing this?”
Last night, as I went from the elliptical for twenty minutes to the rowing machine for ten, I asked myself the same question. I don’t like exercise yet. I don’t like being sore for a week before my muscles finally agree to work properly again. Am I really doing this for a NUMBER on a digital scale that I don’t like? And it’s not like the scale likes me, either. Am I avoiding emotional eating so I can one day, maybe, see a digital read out of one-something-something? Where my thigh met my butt was cramping, I had sweat in my love handles. If I’m just doing this for a number, I’m done.
Losing weight is hard freakin’ work. And I think about it all the time. I feel obsessed with food, which is interesting. I never felt obsessed with food before I started learning how to lose weight. But now? “Have I eaten few enough calories to have one more shot of vodka? I REALLY want this Reese’s, but have I eaten too much fat already today? I really should write my blog, but I haven’t exercised at all this week.”
TOO MUCH TROUBLE for a number, whether it’s weight, measurements, or a pants size. But that’s ok, because WEIGHT LOSS isn’t the goal. It’s the tool.
I went on a cruise with a friend. On our flight back up, we were supposed to sit together. It’d work out—she was thin, and I take up about 110% of a seat. So if I take a little bit of her seat, it doesn’t matter. Somehow, we got separated and I sat next to this Asian man. It was very uncomfortable, because I was very focused on keeping my legs together and my arms on my lap when he says “Maybe next time you should buy two seats.”
I recently went to Busch Gardens. An attendant came over to help strap me into a roller coaster. I deferred, and she persisted. Even called a friend over. The ride was delayed while two people took turns pushing on a harness and strapping me in.
I gave myself a pedicure this weekend. In order to paint my toes, I have to either 1.) hold my breath and paint as many as I can in one go or 2.) find a really weird position that should be taught in a yoga class. It’s usually a combination OF the two.
So why am I losing weight? I want to fit comfortably in my own airliner seat. I want to be able to sit in ANY seat on a roller coaster and not need assistance. To be able to paint my toes while breathing would be fantastic. I want the ability to do physical activities without feeling like I’m lagging behind, and not wonder if I’m going to break something by sitting on it.
The perfect weight is not 160, or 150, or 140. It’s the weight where I can do the things I want to do and not be limited by my own body.
My sister suffered with obesity for all of her childhood up until her early twenties. As a matter of fact, nearly all of my family could be considered overweight. I lived with it my whole life and I have seen the constant struggle that obesity can yield. Like drugs or alcohol, food can be just as much of an addiction as any of those. The real bitch is though that you need food to survive. It's the drug you have to take if you want to live.
ReplyDeleteThe comments made by strangers to you are both cruel and ignorant. People who do not suffer from weight problems do not realize the constant struggle. If they would try to give up the vice they love so much and that gives them so much comfort, even though it might be hurting them, they would understand the pain and dedication it takes to turning your life around. If anything, I'm grateful how having seen the effects of obesity as it has taught me to not judge others suffering from it.
Both my mom and my sister had been on countless diets and while they had made progress, they would eventually slide back into their old ways. My sister decided that if she wanted to lose weight she was going to need help. She had gastric bypass surgery. If you are unfamiliar with this, they removed a portion of her stomach so she becomes full on smaller portions of food. She has lost well over 150 pounds. She's not super model thin but she is at a weight that she feels comfortable with. It might sound like the easy way out, and maybe it is, but there is a change that still comes with it. She can't force as much food down her throat as she wants without becoming seriously ill. She needs to pick and choose which food she will eat since she will only be able to eat a small portion. It's a surgery that almost forces you to eat healthily.
Although the old-fashioned way might be preferred, there are options if you find you simply cannot do it. We all have our own demons or addictions that we need to get through and some are easier than others. Giving up certain food, or severely limiting its intake, it a God damn hard thing to do. I applaud your efforts and hope you can continue with them. If I decide I want to lose a few pounds I still don't go to the gym. It took a lot of courage to make those first few steps and I find it admirable. I know the road looks long and twisted, and it will be, your life does depend on it. You're right when you say it's not about a number on a scale. The only number you should be concerned about is how many more years you'll have to live if you don't do something now. Keep your chin up.
I think it's definitely good that you're trying to lose weight for more than just a number on the scale. It's healthier that way. Sometimes it seems like people obsess so much about weight, down to the very last pound, that they lose sight of the bigger picture. You know, like "if I could just lose FIVE more pounds, then I'd be happy!". When in reality... what kind of real world applications does a number on a scale have? Not too many. It's how you feel (health-wise and confidence-wise) that matters.
ReplyDeleteSo, yeah. Stay focued on your goals and you'll be fine! :)
I love how focused you are. The way you see life, and the way you're working so hard to be able to do these things is really empowering. You paint such a good picture of everything, and I really get it. I totally understand why you want to change. Working out is hard, but I know you'll be able to do it! I can tell. You're more motivated than anyone I know. Have you ever tried doing Richard Simmons videos? It's cheesy, but they're a blast! "Sweatin' to the Oldies" rocks! I love your last line. It kinda made me want to cry. Good luck!
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